Funny how one simple sentence can make you the star of the show Snapped. Okay, I didn’t go that far. Because let’s face it. Orange is not my color. And I don’t want to be someone’s beatch! But when my husband asked me, “Your still cooking?” and not in the let me help you way. More like in the “Who the hell takes 6 hours to meal prep” way. I swear to god I saw red. It’s really a thing. Who knew? He’s just lucky that I had managed to dirty every single one of our knifes. And they were in the dishwasher. Because after the last couple of days I was officially about to loose my SHIT! And not in the cute way that civilized woman do. I was going to redefine the phrase “psychotic episode”. But before we get to this moment. We must journey back to what led me here.
It all can be tied to one word…KETO. My daughter and I weren’t having much success on our “diets”. So, we decided to try something new. Operation become skinny bitches(okay I’ll settle for not loosing consciousness when I try to zip up my pants) was in effect. And my daughter was the mastermind. Literally. I don’t even know how the hell to pronounce keto correctly. When people ask me what keto details. I give them that blank look. And tell them, “Hell if I know! My daughter meal prepped everything this week”. I know how pathetic. I mind of well had said, “My mommy packed all my meals for me”.They even came with little sticky notes. Don’t worry I pulled on my big girl panties and ordered a book. Come at me next week with those questions. I’ll be like one of those brainiacs on Jeopardy. “Keto diet for $500 Alex”. Who knows they might want me to be their spokesperson. (At this time I still haven’t opened the book. I’m working on it!)
Basically for the last week I’ve had the same meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I mean I have a lot of different personalities and I need my meals to be like that. I decided to take over on planning the dinners and my lunches. I ordered a book from Amazon. Unfortunately, they don’t have the “I needed that book like yesterday” option. So, I spent a couple of hours stalking my cousin’s Pinterest board and picking out recipes. By the way, thanks Kristy for doing all the hard work. I just swiped through her board like I was ordering off the home shopping network.” Ya, I’ll take the recipe and that one. Screw it I’ll take them all!”
It was all fun and games until I had to put this plan in motion. Little did I know at the time;Meal Prepping is not for the weak,It’s more for the Betty Crockers (on steroids)of the World. You know the ones who know their way around the vegetable aisle and kitchen. I spent 4 hours grocery shopping at 3 different stores. Most of the time I was just trying to find the items on my list. It was like a scavenger hunt designed by a health nut. Seriously I spent so much scanning shelves I’m surprised I’m not in a neck brace today. And if I wasn’t looking for items I was squinting at the price tags. For instance ,I needed Almond Flour for one of my recipes. I paid almost $8 for a 16 o.z. bag. Do you realize that I can get a 32 o.z. bag of generic all purpose flour for $1.48. Like who ever invented that shit was a genius!!! Hey, I’m going to invent “healthy” flour and charge 4 times the amount. And a normal person would think who would be stupid enough to buy it? I’ll tell you? I was stupid enough to buy it! I now feel the need to add it into everything I am cooking. Even if it’s not called for in the recipe. Screw it! I’m getting my damn $8 worth in flour!
The sad part was there were a lot of items that I had to google. Because I didn’t know what the hell the shit was. Xanthan Gum is not really gum. It’ more like a unicorn. Because I still wasn’t able to find it. I mean I looked for a very long time. Like so long that I think my internal cussing started becoming vocal. Not only that I tracked down a store employee(who’s probably typing up his 2 Week notice as I share this story). And he couldn’t even find it. If that wasn’t bad enough I had to ask “said employee” where the ginger was. I had no idea what the hell it looked like. At that point I thought he was going to loose his shit. Or spray my stalking ass with mace. I mean he should really be grateful. It’s called Job Security buddy! If it would have made him feel better I would have shared with him that I almost shit myself while he looked for my Xanthan gum! I kind of tried an Atkins coconut/chocolate bar one store back. Oops.!Should no better than to try new items out on my stomach when I’m out in public. My body became on Defcon 5 alert as my stomach made sounds to rival the XF-84H aircraft. So, Mr. employee while you were stressed about getting taken away from your stocking job. I was stressed about wether or not this demon growing in me was going to escape out of my ass. So, you see. We all have problems! TMI people? Just keeping it real!
To think I thought finding the items were going to be my hardest task. HA! As if! First of all, the kitchen and I have a love/hate relationship. I love to go in there and snack on food but hate to cook. Now, that I’m trying to give this diet a shot. I have to turn from Worst Cooks in America into Top Chef. I think I had better odds with last week’s Powerball. But I did give it my all. Even though I probably shouted “Fuck” more than the neighbors cared to hear. I’m sorry okay. But when I realize I’m missing ingredients after I started cooking I got a tad pissed off. I mean as you read above. I spent 4 hours in grocery stores. How is it possible to forget shit? Not only that I got the onion from hell. Don’t know how I didn’t chop my finger off. I cried more than I did when I realized what I could no longer eat(just picture all the items in the candy aisle, ice cream section, and the McDonald’s menu). Don’t even get me started on the damn ginger. I felt obligated to use it. Since it was one of the items that poor store employee had to help me find. But good god that thing needs to come with instructions. I didn’t know what the hell to do with it(You peel it in case you were wondering.) Hey, don’t judge! Have you ever looked at a piece of ginger? It’s not even red and it looks like the knots on a real ugly tree!
Eventually, I did get my meals prepped. To get there I pissed off a store employee and yelled at everyone in my family at least once. Sorry guys! I’m like a snickers commercial. Except, I can’t have one of those. So, throw some lettuce at me or something. I’m sure this diet and lifestyle will get easier. Hopefully before I end up in prison.