The day I tried to save money by using coupons. The real reason I pay full price now.

I haven’t had time to really blog. But luckily, FB was my blog for many years. And it pops up new memories every day. Reminding me that I’m still a dumbass.

Well, I can’t sleep. And since I have to switch back to my night schedule tomorrow. I guess I’ll share one more story with you all. This story takes place where all of my great adventures take place. Safeway off course. So, ya. It was time for my weekly visit. Not from Aunt Flo you morons! It was time for me to step up and be the hunter in the family. God, knows my hubby has yet to bring an elk home from his hunting adventures(JK honey. I have a good feeling about this year. I’m sure you will provide for us. If not, at least Safeway is just down the road). So, today I decided I was going to be one of those extreme couponers(my spell check says this is not a word. But I worked retail for a year. And I have to disagree). You know the ones that practically pay nothing for those 500 containers of tic- tacs. Because you know you can never have enough of those things. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. But I won’t lie. I give props to the dedicated ones. Because that is some hard work. First, you got to go through all those damn coupons. Then, cut those bad boys out(good thing I graduated to big girl scissors. Or that could have taken all day). Then, you match the coupons to the store ads. So, you can get maximum savings. My grocery list looked like a game plan for a football game. I circled the items that I had coupons for. I wanted to make sure that the coupon helped make the item cheaper than generic brands. If not, we were going EL Cheapo and chucking out my cut around the line project. Seems easy right? Ya, implementing that plan might have been a little tricky. At one point I was trying to hold 6 yogurts and examine the coupon(yes, I was looking at the damn picture. I needed to make sure I could mix and match). Ya, that didn’t fair out too well. Of course, I would drop one. And how come every time I’m there, I see employees everywhere. But when I make a mess in aisle 1 do you think I can find one damn worker? Hell no! So, then I’m put in a moral dilemma. I have nothing to clean it up with. I’m on a time schedule. And I’m seriously thinking about taking off so no one knows I’m the idiot that tried juggling yogurt. But that plan easily ended when some old lady and another lady with a prosthetic leg start approaching the mess. Damn it all to hell. Why is my life some fucking Hollywood script. So, of course I have to yell at the ladies to stay back. I know a little dramatic. You would think there was some kind of chemical spill. But come on. She was old! How did I know she had perfect hearing. Then, I hunted down an employee and like a man on death row. I gave them my confession. Then, I offered to clean it up. But he vetoed that idea. So, not only am I making messes. I’m taking forever comparing prices and figuring out the price after the coupon. Math genius I am not. The possibility of my daughter never getting picked up from school is becoming a very possible reality. I finally make it to check out. I even laid my coupons on the counter before he started ringing. Because I was a cashier. I remember how much I hate people like the one I was posing as today. So, of course a few coupons aren’t working. One was buy 2 get one free. Well, you need the price to write in. “I don’t know the price. It might take me awhile to figure that out.” And then he looks at me. Like he actually thought I would say, “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’ll just pay for all 3”. I don’t think so buddy. If I went through all this damn trouble trying to save a buck or two. You are so taking this coupon. I don’t care if it takes you all day. My next coupon. was $3 off any Quantum razor (one count or higher). Well, I got the 4 pack. That should qualify for the one razor or more . But it wouldn’t scan. “Well, this one isn’t matching up. You got the wrong one.” Seriously dude? I can read. And I know from personal experience as a cashier that there were times where I had to key in the coupon. But I guess I’m a traitor to the cashier world. So, this jackass was not sharing any love. Wouldn’t budge an inch. Now, I could have dug for the damn razors to show him. But I looked at the line behind me. And my cart. And for once my damn bags weren’t formed into a pyramid. Holy shit! That never happens. So, I took one for the team(the 4 other customers waiting patiently behind me) and lost out on that $3. But don’t fret. I will be back. No stupid scanner is going to screw me out of $3. That’s like 3 candy bars. And just when you thought this story was over. I suddenly become an informcommercial.” But wait! If you keep reading you will get 2 stories for the price of one”! So, my driving might be labeled as a little erratic. Meaning shit flies in my car. I get home. And I know to never just bust open my trunk. So, I carefully opened it. Like that helped. The great deal on soda( 4 12 packs for $10). Not so great when you drop 2 of them. The huge bag of potatoes. Not so great. When, they magically come undone. And you find yourself playing hot potato in the driveway. Had to throw a couple away. I learned a valuable lesson. I was not meant to do the coupon thing. I still went over my grocery budget. Dropped some of the savings on the driveway. And I became that “asshole’ that held up the line. So, I would just like to conclude my adventure with one simple request. Powerball Gods please read this story. And let me win. I really need my own personal shopper.

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