You will never see my face on the tourism brochures for Colorado.

It’s funny that I am one of the most uncoordinated people out there. And I live in Colorado. Which is pretty much an outdoors person’s “Disneyland”. There’s hiking, camping, fishing, and skiing. But the tourism board will never be using my face to promote those activities. I should be on the poster that shows the ‘city girl “safely at home. Don’t get me wrong I use to love camping. But the older I get ;the idea of laying on rocks and sleeping in the cold, “roughing” it doesn’t sound as much fun anymore. So, I end up packing up the comforts of home to “survive”in the wilderness. Picture the Beverly Hillbillies. And that’s what we look like rolling into the state park. You know the real nature enthusiasts are rolling their eyes at us and thinking “city slickers”!

And don’t get me started on the bathroom situation. As previously stated I have no coordination skills. So, trying to pop a squat in the woods does not go in my favor. Basically while trying not to fall over with my pants around my ankle, holding on to a flashlight in one hand, and the toilet paper in the other. I end up pissing all over myself. And let’s not forget the whole “we’re out in the wilderness” thing.  And I’m not talking about stray dogs and cats.  I’m talking about bears. I already know I’m totally screwed if I run into one.  Face it, I can’t play dead. That would require me being quiet and still for more than a minute. Like that is going to happen.!And it doesn’t matter how many times you are told not to run. If I see a bear my fat ass is running. That would just be my first natural reaction. And seeing that I wasn’t a track star in my day and don’t have the ability to run under pressure. I would probably only get a foot before I tripped over my shoelaces and fell.  I would have better chances of wrapping myself in bacon and hoping I found the only vegetarian bear in the world.

*photo credit to the Great Outdoors

Another big thing here is skiing. Which I thought since I lived here that skiing would come naturally to me. Ya, that didn’t quite work out in my favor either. I went one time as a teenager with my youth group. Those of us who had never skied before got set up with a free lesson. I’m pretty sure my instructor retired after that day. In my defense. It wasn’t really my fault. First, I’m afraid of heights. I realize skiing entailed going down a hill. I just never put a whole lot of thought how you got to the top of that hill. Imagine my surprise when I realized I had to ride on the good old ski lift. I would have pissed my pants. But didn’t think I could pull off the ” I just spilled water “when the snow turned yellow. But my fear of heights would be the least of my problems. Because eventually you have to get off that death contraption. That part was amazingly not bad. But who’s bright idea was it to put a little ramp thingmajigger under it? You should warn uncoordinated people that lovely thing is waiting for them. Because one minute I’m thinking I was ready for the Olympics because I got off the lift without falling. And then the next minute I’m stuck in the snow with my skies up. I didn’t remember signing a waiver to be the side entertainment.

Sadly, the embarrassment didn’t end there. But to make a long story short I plowed into the ski instructor when I couldn’t remember how to stop. Telling me to point my skis towards the mountain doesn’t really help when you are surrounded by them. Basically, the lady decided it would be safer if I waited in the lodge. No tears from me. I hate the cold anyways.

By now you are thinking how sad. This woman belongs in the concrete jungle of New York City if she isn’t going to take advantage of the many outdoor activities Colorado provides. And trust me. I was feeling like a defect too. Until earlier this week I discovered something I could do well in Colorado. It’s called winter driving. Been doing it for years. But Tuesday morning was the first time I tried driving on the interstate in winter conditions and driving blind. It’s not something I would recommend doing. And I hope to not have to do ever do that again. But if you are an adrenaline junkie this is the way to go. I’m being sarcastic people. Please don’t really try this!

Ideally Going 75 mph in the passing lane of the interstate is not the time you want to find out you ran out of windshield wiper fluid. Probably wouldn’t have been a big deal if it hadn’t been snowing and my jeep was getting hit with slush off the roads. And in my great wisdom I kept turning the wipers on. Thinking it was going to miraculously help. Hey, I got dirty slush all over my window. I can’t see. And I’m out of windshield wiper fluid. So, I’ll just put the wipers on real fast and see if that helps. Yes, I know you are wondering how I didn’t test out at genius I.Q. levels. The reality of this situation was the wipers just smeared my window worse.Basically my windshield looked like a baby took his shitty diaper and smeared it all over it. I had one tiny spot that if I lowered myself like a hunch back 90 year old I could make out the car in front of me.

*Yes this is a photo of my actual windshield that day. No I didn’t take the photo while driving. And yes I took this photo. Because when ever I tell my husband I almost died he always thinks I’m exaggerating.

Sadly,life wasn’t content with me looking ridiculous when I drove. No, it decided to throw one more challenge in the mix! Life was like, “Shut your whining! You think you can’t see now. Wait till you take the curve where the sun blinds you. That will give you something to cry about!” I was never really a fan of the songs, “blinded by the light” or “I saw the sun”. And I would be damn if those would be the last 2 jingles going through my pea size mind before I died.! That’s when I decided to take matters in my own hands. Like literally! I rolled my window down and tried to wipe my windshield. I assumed since they do it in the movies it had to work. Obviously those scenes are filmed with stuntmen with long legs and arms. Because I was unable to keep my foot on the gas, one hand on the steering wheel, and get the other hand to reach the front of my windshield. Such a shame too.!Because not knowing if I was in my lane or about to hit the median was really not my idea of fun. And hearing a car honk didn’t help either. I didn’t know if they were honking because I crossed over into their lane or because I was  about to kiss concrete. They could have at least gave me a little hint. The suspense was killing me!

Miraculously through all this I didn’t shit myself and match my windshield. But I won’t lie. There were tears and chanting that sounded like this, “I can’t see. Oh my god I can’t see! I’m. Going to die! I’m going to die! OMG I’m going to fucking die” I’m thinking you get the picture. But you know what doesn’t help with a muddy windshield and a blinding sun? Tears! Tears don’t help improve your vision either. But I figured I was already fucked. So, what did a matter if I had bleary eyes on top of it. In all honesty I have no ides how I made it off the interstate in one piece. But I did. And besides one slight break down when the clerk tried to tell me they didn’t have windshield wiper fluid. I survived this ordeal. But I don’t think getting chased by a bear or skiing down a hill with no poles could have jump started my heart as much as driving without windshield wiper fluid on a snowy/slushy day. If anyone is on the Olympic Committee is reading this. I hope you are taking notes on this new extreme winter sport!

And now, I feel like I belong here. I might go glam-camping. Sound like I’m in respiratory distress when I hike. Spend more time tangling my line than I do fishing. And can’t ski worth a damn. But I can drive in some shitty(literally) conditions. That got to count for something. At least I feel I earned a spot on the Colorado tourism brochure. I’m not greedy. Just a tiny spot on the back will do!

2 thoughts on “You will never see my face on the tourism brochures for Colorado.

  1. You always know how to find the most daring situations funny or how to describe them absolutely hilariously. 😂😂😂 I have actually been there and done that thing with skiing into smth and don’t knowing how to stop. But I didn’t plow into anyone just skied behind the ski run and right into a big heap of snow, upside down and all. And the instructors came to pull me out of it. It was embarrassing. And I too haven’t tried that since. I don’t know if I will. Not feeling specifically drawn to this activity 😁 And the ‘windshield dirty no liquid, driving on a highway’ I have done too 🙈 Nothing I would want to repeat, ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank god! I thought I was the only person who sucked at skiing. Everyone is always talking about how they went skiing over the weekend. And I’m like I caught snowflakes in my mouth. lol

      Liked by 1 person

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