Damn it! Now, I have to shop somewhere else.

If you have followed my Facebook account for awhile you will know that Safeway and I have this love/hate relationship going on. I would have to say that a lot of my embarrassing moments have happened there. From knocking out glass jars with my purse, having the bag with the tampons fall out in front of everyone, to not realize my back patch came off and was now sticking on the outside of my clothes. By the way, it looked like I had a damn Maxi Pad stuck on me. Yes, Safeway and I have a deep and long history.

But after tonight, I might have to venture elsewhere. At least, till people forget my face. You see tonight I had one mission. To get to the pharmacy and back out. One mission! I just wanted my damn prednisone so I could breathe again. Instead, I became a one man circus act. I should have known walking from the parking lot to the back of the store was going to do me in. But what was I suppose to do? Push Grandpa off his rascal or steal the kid’s scooter. I’m pretty sure either scenario would have brought up assault charges. And I don’t have the time for all that shit. Besides, orange is not my color!So, as they say, “Suck it up Buttercup”.

And Suck it up I did. Time I got to the counter I look like some kind of disgusting fish that just got thrown onto land. I’m gulping for air. And I mean an ugly fish!You know how some people are “ugly criers”.? Well, if there was such a thing as an “ugly asthma gasper” I would get the title and the sash and crown to go with it. If that wasn’t bad enough. When, you feel like you are not getting no air in. You start to panic. Hello! The pharmacy already knows I’m on shit for depression and anxiety. But I don’t think it’s necessary for me to demonstrate why I’m on the shit. So, not only am I gulping for air, breathing like I just ran the damn New York Marathon, I’m trying to keep myself from having a damn panic attack. And I don’t have time for all that kind of attention!

Of course, this would be the night that my favorite pharmacy tech wants to talk. Not really talk. More like tell me good-bye. She’s moving. And on any other day I would want to say good-bye and chat it up. But by this point I’m wondering if it’s possible to pass out? And all I can think about is why I can’t do that. The reasoning is a little off. And had nothing to do with me hurting myself. I was just really concerned about my 180 pound ass damaging their new floors. I mean they just did a beautiful remodel in the store. I didn’t want my ass to leave a crater mark. I mean it was a legit concern for my oxygen deprived brain at the time. Leave me alone!

If that wasn’t bad enough. When, I attempted to talk I sounded like a woman in labor, when she’s yelling at her husband to “Get(breath)The(breath)Fuck(breath)Out(breath)Of(breath)the(breath)Room(breath)!” I think you get the point. And on a mission not to draw too much attention(well, besides the panting) to myself that pretty much gave me away. And her concern was heard by her co-workers. Which in return had all eyes on me. All that was missing was the spotlight and announcement over the PA system.

One would think that after I got my drugs I would have high tailed it out of there. But no. My brain is possessed by my fat ass. So, it didn’t matter if I couldn’t breathe. My brain was telling me I needed some Pecan Pie. I mean I already can’t breathe. So, really at this point I have nothing to loose. If I’m going down. It’s going to be with some damn Pecan Pie!. Besides the bakery and frozen food aisle were by the pharmacy. It was like a sign!

Alas, my luck sucks. And after walking the bakery aisle and frozen food aisle there was no damn Pecan Pie! At this point, a smart person would have said “Fuck it! I’m going home!” Or at least got out their damn rescue inhaler. But obviously, I’d rather make more of a scene of sucking in air than using that in front of people. And I was not leaving that store empty handed! I don’t care if they had to carry me out on a stretcher. I was going to get some kind of damn pie. It’s called priorities people. They might be fucked up ones. But they are still priorities. I realize how pathetic I looked. And I probably sounded like some kind of porn star doing aerobics. And I do apologize to all the kids I traumatized tonight. But you know what. I got my damn pie. Got back to the jeep so I could suck on that rescue inhaler like my life depended on it. But I made it! I might not be able to go back to that Safeway for awhile. But that apple pie was worth it!

*photo credit to SpongeBob and Nickelodeon