Epiphany is defined as “an illuminating discovery, realization, disclosure, or insight. A moment meant of sudden or great revelation that usually changes you in some way.” You alway picture this coming in some kind of peaceful way. Like it will happen and then there will be this glow around you from your new found enlightenment. Well, mine came by getting punched in the boob by a confused patient. After, 19 years of working in healthcare I’m actually usually really good about ducking before I get hit. But not that night. And you would think that a flat chested person with a bra padded so heavy you could supply a 3rd world country with toilet paper for a year wouldn’t feel pain. But let me tell you! That hurt like a mother (bleep)!I’m just glad I could never afford implants. Or I would have drowned my co-workers and patient.
How does a punched boob give you an epiphany? Well, when this is the 2nd time recently that I’ve gotten my ass kicked by a confused patient. It’s only natural to ponder one’s life and career choices they have made. I grabbed my sore boob and thought “How the fuck did I get to this moment? Why am I even here?” Some are probably thinking, “Oh, boy here’s a mid-life crisis in the making if I ever seen one.”. Maybe it is. Who knows?
I always pictured a mid-life crisis being about changing your appearance. You know trying to wear clothes the “young” kids wear. But when you have a muffin top, jiggly thighs, and flabby arms. The clothes don’t look as sexy as they did on the mannequin. All that happens is people ask you to be their “before” pic for their weight loss program. Or the sales associate directs you to the MOO MOO dress section. Because she’s fucking thoughtful like that. I also, pictured it meant purchasing a convertible. You picture yourself zooming off into the sunset looking like Christie Brinkley in National Lampoon’s Vacation. But in reality you look like Cousin It from the Addams family. And end up crashing the car because you were temporarily blinded by your “movie star” hair. I never realized it could be a feeling instead. Feeling like something is missing. Like have you ever used someone’s recipe. But your version didn’t come out as good. And you realize it’s because you forgot an ingredient. That’s how I feel right now. Like something is missing. But I don’t know what.
These thoughts were reinforced last week. I drove by one of those people who spin signs on the corners. Honestly, that would have to be the worse job ever. Because they are out there in all sorts of weather. Plus, time must drag on forever. But it was like this guy didn’t care. He looked like he loved what he was doing. He was doing tricks with the signs. He was waving and smiling. He was having fun. I forgot what that even feels like. I know when I started in healthcare. I loved what I was doing. But somewhere along the line I’ve lost that passion. Don’t get me wrong,I love helping people and maybe it’s just the place I work for. I don’t know. But I don’t have that kind of passion going to work. But seeing that guy had made me envious. I want to feel that way about going to work. Is there a job out there like that? Sign man’s job is out of the question. I am not that coordinated and I don’t want my paychecks going to windshield repairs of innocents motorists who drove by my corner.
So, here I am. Almost 44 years old and it’s like I have no sense of direction. I literally don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. But I know I want to find something that will give me the same kind of passion sign guy had. So, last weekend I went to Indeed. com. And just started applying to different jobs. The only bad thing is when you’ve been a C.N.A forever. You really don’t have much other experience. But like they say, “Fake it till you make it”. And that’s what the hell I did. And lord and behold I got 2 interviews out of it!. Both were similar jobs that I am definitely not qualified for. Because using Microsoft Office and different billing programs is like a foreign language to me. But like I put on my coversheet. I can be trained. If you can train a damn dragon. You sure the hell can train Kari Valdez. I will be an I.T. expert by the end of this!!!Or not!
Interview 1: I tried to push my interview to Friday. Because I know that by the end of 3 12 hour shifts and not sleeping much on those days. I have the vocabulary of a cave man. But that wasn’t possible. So, after a couple hours of sleep and raiding my daughter’s closet(I didn’t feel like they would find my pajamas interview appropriate) I was ready. Well, as ready as one can be. The panty hose did help conceal the muffin top(whoever invented control tops I love you) but did nothing to stop the friction of my thighs rubbing together. But in the name of finding happiness. Sacrifices have to be made! Meaning eventually those 3rd degree burns will heal. And if you score a job in the long run it will be worth it! We won’t discuss how I barely fit in the slacks. But as long as the button didn’t pop off and hit the office manager in the eye. I wasn’t going to sweat it. Eventually, I thought I portrayed a day walker/important office person really well. My confidence was good. Until, I showed up for the interview. I had to wait for a little bit. Which meant I started to fall asleep. OOPS! When they finally came and got me. I was kind of in that I’m half awake/ half asleep mode. Not what you are aiming for when you are trying to sell yourself. Needless to say it was the shortest and most awkward interview of my life. They actually had great questions. However, I wasn’t able to answer them so eloquently. I think I gave them more deer in the headlight looks than anything. Needless to say if they actually call me back I will have to assume no one else applied for the job.
Interview 2: I got sleep before this one. But after the disaster yesterday. I was kind of doubting myself. I mean I suck at interviews anyways. It’s all about selling yourself. Growing up I had a hard time selling Girl Scout cookies. And those things sell themselves. How the hell am I going to make someone want to hire me.?At my age, I’ve been through enough job interviews. In reality I should be owning them like a model on the runaway. Instead, I become Nerves and Stomach Ulcers beatch. So, driving to this interview I was bundle of nerves. Which breaks down to me sweating more than people in a hot yoga class. I’m sure the people I drove by were wondering why I had my armpits in front of my air vents while I tried holding onto the steering wheel. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what people thought if they looked over. I would be damn if I showed up with sweat marks on my blouse! Wasn’t happening! I had to wait for a little bit at this one too. In that time frame my necklace managed to come unclasped and slide down my shirt. Do you know what it’s like to nonchalantly try to pick a necklace from your blouse? First, I tried to shake it down. If the receptionist looked over she would have thought I was having seizures. But that bastard was not shaking out. My opportunity to free that sucker came when the receptionist walked away from the desk. You never seen me jump up so fast in my life. I didn’t have time to shake it like a polaroid picture in a waiting room. So, I just went all in. And put my hand up my blouse and grabbed that sucker before she came back. Now, afterwards I got interviewed. And I felt it went well. But if they don’t call back. I will have to assume it’s because they had a video camera in the waiting room. And caught the whole thing on tape.
I don’t know where I’ll end up. Or if I will ever experience metamorphosis from being a C.N.A. to something else. But I’m tired of being afraid. Afraid of trying new things. Or doubting myself. I don’t want to die knowing that I never tried to change my future. I’ve been stagnant too long. I’ve spent the last couple of decades being a survivor. And doing what I needed to do to provide for my kids. And even after I remarried a supportive husband who has supported some of my crazy endeavors. I always give up or quit and go back to what I know. It has always been my safety net.Because if I’m being honest the word failure scares me more than anything. But I’m tired of being that person. I want to be the person who chases dreams. Even when they don’t know what those are yet. I want to be the person who repeatedly fails because they know one day they will find their success. Ideally, I would love to write. But in the meantime I hope to find my passion again. I want someone to see me like I saw the sign guy. I want to find that missing ingredient.
Lost at 30 Found at 40 
Have you ever had your IQ tested? You sound like you might be gifted. Totally not messing with you. An IQ 130 or higher is considered gifted, which comes with it certain challenges. When you proclaimed you are almost 44 and ou don’t know what you wanna be when you grow up, that kinda jumped out at me as a possibility that you have challenges associated with giftedness. I’ll be doing an article or two on this topic in May and sharing my own experiences with it.
I know we don’t know each other, so forgive if I’ve overstepoed! I love your writing voice. 🤓😎😊
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Thanks but definitely don’t have a high I.Q. Just restless.
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Ok, well, I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable. 🙂
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Oh no! Are you kidding? I’m telling my husband someone believes I’m smarter than the average bear. LOL
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Ok, whew! I love the way you’re able to convey humor in your blogs. It’s rare to find funny AND down to earth anymore. Glad I came across you! Take care. 🤓
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Thank you! If I didn’t have a sense of humor I would have already been in a straight jacket. Well, I’m off to bed. Have a great day!
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Oh Kari, I feel you somewhere… on a molecular level. First of all, I was so happy to read again your super honest yet funny and entertaining musings. Actually i felt like I was watching a movie and listening to a narrator. Have you thought about trying your hand in writing screenplays?! 😊 we definitely need more of this! And second- I, as different as our lives might seem, feel so similarly. And I too feel like- enough is enough. Enough with the fears, enough with the comfort zone! I hope you find your Zing soon!
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“So, here I am. Almost 44 years old and it’s like I have no sense of direction. I literally don’t know what I want to do when I grow up.”
Do I know that feeling. Never figured I’d be designing webshops for people selling lamps or clothes or pipes at this stage at 45. 20 years ago I went to university to get a degree to go work for a better world in some big organisation dedicated to making a better world. Never got to do that. And it’s not even because it was difficult getting into that job market anyway with cutbacks and all. My girlfriend did and the stories she has told me over the years made me often feel lucky that it didn’t work out. Lots of stress, always too little funding, politically motivated charities that don’t really walk the talk but it’s all window dressing, etc. So I’ve been reluctant to even try for some years now, and I figure it’s pretty much over at this stage. I may do IT-work for a smaller charity at some point (I’ve already done a bit), but that’s it.
Over the years I’ve tried lots of other things than doing webshops, for example becoming an author. I moonlighted (literally – it was night shift) as a helper for disabled persons and then tried to write during the day while I was groggy from lack of sleep. Never worked out either, but not just because of my rhythm. I appear not to be cut out to write anything longer than a short story, just don’t have the discipline. So I ended up writing short stories in my spare time – contemporary stuff about people in midlife crises, haha. (No, really.)
Where am I going with all this? Guess I just wanted to say that I ‘get it’. I do feel like I never got to know what I would be when I grew up, or somehow missed it. And now the clock ticks louder and louder.
But … I also think it is true that your passion can and will shift over time. For various reasons, sometimes the job changes or the environment, colleagues, pay, whatever. Sometimes – often, actually – you change. So you go search for some more passion, Kari – that’s a super decision. Just be aware that maybe it can come about as a result of many other things than a job change. Maybe you get a relatively better job but nothing ‘wild’, but you figure out something else to do in your spare time that makes it all worth while, like my short story writing. Just searching for a new road will give you lots of inspiration about how to go about living life, both before and after you punch out from the job factory.
Make it your own recipe. And thanks for a very funny and insightful blog.
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Thank you so much!!!! I needed to hear this!
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What are you writing, btw? (Aside from your excellent blog!)
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Thanks. Nothing yet. For years people would read my Facebook posts and tell me I needed to write a book or start a blog. So, I started the first phase. I would love to be like a modern day Erma Bombeck.
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I have to look Erma up. I don’t know if I should be embarrassed for having to but if he/she writes half as well as you, it should be a great experience. Your style is very unique, witty and deep at the same time. Rare qualities indeed. I will stay tuned!
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Thank you. But now you are really making me feel old not knowing who Erma is. LOL
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Haha just look at the numbers. I am 45, I think I got you by a year or two. So it’s not age but ignorance 🙂
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Or just lack of opportunity.
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Well, as I read your first paragraph, I wanted to ask if you ever saw the Peter Sellers movie, “I Love You, Alice B. Toklas,” but you probably know Erma better than Peter Sellers. His best movies were gone before you were born.
Then, as I read your second paragraph, I thought maybe I could mention it is never too late to go to university. I went back at 54, and got my BSW degree at 57 (Bachelor of Social Work). But I knew I would have to warn you, don’t try to be like a kid just out of high school. I worked like a dog the first 2.5 years, straight A’s, and such, and 3 months away from graduation I crashed like a speedboat in a hurricane. My mind, and memory, stopped working. I had to drag myself to classes, and take anti-depressants. I did graduate, but only because I had built up a good Grade Point Average before I crashed. They wanted me to pursue my Masters, but by then I couldn’t add 1 + 2 million, three hundred thirty-three thousand, three hundred and thirty-three. But I did it, I became a bachelor!
Then reading about your interviews, I laughed. They were sad stories, but you you saw the funny sides. You observe, without being critical of yourself. Stand-up commedienne? It’s worth a try. Just watch out for the spotlights. I got hauled off the stage by a big cane after I wss blinded, and couldn’t see a damn thing. Couldn’t even find the mike, let alone the audience. I guess I deserved the boos. It was free for trying.
Anyway, Kari, you can’t suucceed if you don’t learn how to fail. And you bombed those interviews, so you must be ready for success. Get out there and wow them, kid. You still got plenty of time.
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I haven’t seen that movie. But now I’m a mission to find it. I commend you for going back to school at 54. People always say I should. Because let’s be realistic. Being a C.N.A. is hard work. And there’s no way I’ll be able to do this at 60. But I have no idea what I want to do. And then there’s that whole fear of going back to school. A while back when my kids needed me to help them with a power point. I went to the store and got them posterboard And told them this how we did Power points back in the day! If they didn’t like it. They shouldn’t have waited till the night before it was due to ask for help! I don’t think any Professors would appreciate those mad skills.
I even hate starting new jobs with different charting systems. I know I cause my trainers to drink. It’s probably equivalent of the time I tried to teach my mom how to write an email and send it. After, 2 hours I said, “Fuck it. Just stick to handwriting letters. And hope postage doesn’t go up anymore!”
That’s so cool you actually got up on a stage to try stand up. I kind of have problems talking to groups of people. I’m kind of a one man audience show. I do my best to make my patient’s laugh. Because I know it sucks to be stuck in a hospital with half your ass hanging out. But after 3 12 hour shifts of doing that. I go into hiding for 4 days. Have to recharge before I deal with people again.
Hopefully, I will figure out what I want to do with my life. Preferably before I did. And eventually find that confidence to wow someone into taking a chance with me. Thanks for those pearls of wisdom though. Sometimes, you just need to hear it. To believe it!
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Fake it till you make it!
Whatever you try you are going to start unskilled, untrained, or unprepared. So pretend you can cope. I trained myself for comedy by doing open mikes at a little dive, My friend and I made a pact to try it. Twice a week for over a month we both took turns on stage. I even invented my own schtick be getting the audience involved, getting them to stand up and do whatever pose I suggested, audience-participation stand-up. It went over good in the dive. I used to be a nervous introvert, now i am a confident introvert. I can talk anywhere to anyone. But when I tried a big stage, you know what happened. I never got to my stand-up schtick. Oh well, at least I tried. And then back to school. I had to pretend there too, but it all came back to me once I started.
We really can do what we set our minds to, so long as we don’t rush it or aim too high to begin. Just don’t let anyone know you are sweating…
As for powerpoints, they have programs that lead you by the nose. Not sure how old your kids are now, but they must have a program somewhere. Or get one free on the net. Do a powerpoint of who you might want to be if you ever grow up. You never know what might give you a kick in the right direction.
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