I totally can relate to the book, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very bad day”. Like just substitute Kari for Alexander and you have what my day and night was like yesterday. Now, if you follow me on Instagram you will kind of know how my morning went. And for those of you who did read that part. I apologize in advance for sharing it again. But it was the catalyst for my shitastic day yesterday. Yes, people I just invented a new word. It’s basically a shitty day to the 11th power. Basically you will want to go in hiding, move and change your name, or just plain pray for the ground to just open up and swallow you. Because your day was just that bad.Not, that I was lucky enough for any of those things to happen.
Let me set our story up. You see I just got done working 12 hours. I had only slept 3 hours before I went to work. So, I was riding the broomstick and ready for bed. But as luck would have it my life turned into an informercial. Like “Wait since you didn’t go to the staff meeting Monday night. You get to stay over and go to the Thursday morning one. But not only that “we” our going to add and extra half hour to this meeting. ” So, instead of trying to keep your eyes open for one hour. I got to do it for 1 1/2 hours. During that time I was able to ponder the appeal of tattooing eyes on my outer eyelids. Because when you are stuck in a room full of management you don’t want to start falling asleep and drooling on yourself. It doesn’t create good job security.
Unfortunately, I just couldn’t fall asleep in front of management. Oh, no I had to “Go big or Go Home”!That was accomplished by forgetting to make sure my ringer was turned off. I mean I went through 12 hours without that damn phone ringing. So, I assumed it was off. But you want to know when it’s not a good time to discover it isn’t? When the damn guest speaker (aka the Anesthesiologist) is giving their spill. I decide who needs to hear about epidurals. Let’s listen to my cool ringtone instead. Sad thing it wasn’t until the 3rd ring that I realized it was my phone doing the ringing. I was just sitting there thinking how rude ppl. are for having their phone on. Only to find out I was the asshole. And if I didn’t have a pocket vibrating and lighting up with a beat red face. I’m sure no one would have noticed I was the culprit. Note to self: Stop procrastinating and going to the morning meetings after work.
I am sure not only will there be a memo about turning your cell phones off but there will also be another one about not starting fires in the microwave. Before I get to that wonderful 2nd part of my day. Let me create the mood. I decided to pick up a shift. It’s been awhile since I’ve done 4 12 hour night shifts in a row(now, I remember why I don’t). And if that wasn’t bad enough. Once again I only got a little over 3 hours of sleep. So, basically I wasn’t the sharpest crayon in the box. But I was an extra body to help out. And since I was there the night before I know I had a patient that loves popcorn. So, I brought a couple of bags to pop for them. Seemed like an idiot proof plan. But in true Kari fashion. I managed to screw up that simple task. In my defense the bag did say to set it for 4 minutes. But it also said to listen to when it stops popping. Which I started out doing than I zoned out. Sad thing was I zoned out staring at the microwave.But didn’t pay attention to it until I smelled the smoke. And I mean I was sending some smoke signals. Being the genius I was. I tried to put that shit out before the smoke alarms went off. I threw that bag under water. Which made it smoke worse for a minute. Once, I found the part on “fire”. I frantically soaked the shit out of that(and possibly clogged the kitchen sink in the process). Now, all this was probably a minute tops. But I thought I was battling the”biggest inferno blaze” of microwaves. I thought I was going to die from smoke inhalation before I put that sucker out. Too dramatic.? Well, you would be too if you almost set the hospital on fire!!!
Funny thing was I thought by putting it out. That no one else would know that I burnt popcorn. Like I could just wave my hand and say, “There’s nothing to see here folks”. Almost bought into my self serving b.s. until I stepped out into the hall. At that point, I’m like, “Oh, shit!” So, I’m trying to discretely fan the shit so the alarms don’t go off. I would really hate to see what that videotape footage looked like. Tell me I won’t get chosen for the next random drug test. But I’m going off tangent again. Basically, The whole upstairs stunk like burnt popcorn(which isn’t good when you have respiratory patients). And if that wasn’t bad enough I find out I smoked out the E.R. waiting room on the 1st floor. Not only that staff was concerned at first as to what was going on. Because as luck would have it. The night before are fire alarms kept alarming. So, even though no alarms were going off or announcements were being made. People were wondering if this was the real deal. I don’t think I’ve ever been so mortified before. But I do know that maintence had to set up fans to clear the air. Yea, top that night. I smoked up 2 floors(that’s all we have but it sounded cooler this way)of the hospital. And I’m sure there will be a memo about it. But all I got to say is we are always striving for 100% patient satisfaction. Well, before I sent the patient’s popcorn into a fury ball of fire. I did try making sure they got their favorite snack. Luckily, I had brought 2 bags. I just had an R.N. Cook the 2nd bag.
I was still so embarrassed this morning. That I took the back way out. I couldn’t face walking through the front doors. I’m off for the next 3 days. What are the odds that no one will remember this by the time I come back? Yeah, your right. I need to go into the witness protection program or find a new job. Anyone hiring? As long as the job description doesn’t require me making popcorn. We will be all good in the hood.
Lost at 30 Found at 40 
I burned a few microwave popcorn bags in my time, but never so bad I stunk up a whole hospital. But having suffered from sleep apnea, I know what it is like to fall asleep at work.
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coninued, lol.
Especially meetings, long boring meetings. Closed door, dead air meetings. At one point I had to talk to the meeting organizers, and warn them I might fall asleep unintentionally, it was just the way it was. I said, If I start snoring, please have someone sitting next to me politely poke me in the side, and I will wake up. Usually I did. But one morning, like you, after a night shift, I got called into a meeting. I warned them what would happen, but they said it was important and I had to be there. Important that I had to be there? Did they know what they were saying?
Well, the main speaker had a monotone voice. I was out in minutes. Snoring in five.
I guess they got someone to politely poke me in the side, but that day it wasn’t enough. Oh, did I mention I had a bowel problem. I suffered from serious diarrhea, and with lack of bowel control when I wss sleeping. They could not wake me, I was out so deep, and some fool had the bright idea of dropping the DSM IV on the table in front of me. They scared me awake all right! And scared the hell out of my bowels.
I think you can guess the result. In no time people were running for the door, holding their noses, swearing like professionals. Those with tender stomachs were barfing all over the place, which added to the odours already present courtesy of me, and to the liquid mess.
Having lived with these conditions for 20 years, and being used to them, I could only laugh. Expensive suits and stylish dresses all running like rabbits from farting foxes. It was the last “important” meeting I was forced to attend.
I never did find out why it was so important I be at that one…
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I’m sorry. I laughed. But not at you. Working in healthcare I’ve seen it all. Hopefully we don’t live in the same city. Or that could be disastrous! It’s only fair I share a story with you. Once I was the cashier at a Walgreens store. I had just started a new diet pill. Like Ally but cheaper. There was a pamphlet with proper directions. But like I do everything in my life. I read it half ass. I was like, “It’s a fucking diet pill. Not rocket science!” Well, your suppose to drink lots of water with it and eat small portions of food. Or some crap like that. But obviously I get dyslexic when I read important things. So, I did the opposite. I hate too much! Which didn’t seem like a big deal. Until, I’m stuck behind a cash register with a line. And about to shit my brains out. I was the only cashier. And then we had an associate in photo and cosmetics. And you really can’t get on the intercom system and announce that you are about to do a drive by shitting on innocent bystanders. Unless, it’s to promote a store sale on Immodium too! I literally left the register and line of people. And shouted at one of my coworkers to take over as I ran to the bathroom. At that point, I didn’t care if I got fired for running off on a customer while ringing them up. But the fun didn’t stop there. Oh, no. There would be penance to pay for not reading the damn pamphlet. Let’s just say I got plenty of exercise that night. On a good note, I didn’t shit myself. Thankful I worked with competent people who once I told them what to do when they heard Code Brown on the intercom(meaning they better treat it it like an emergency evacuation for me and get their asses over there to take over).On a bad note I felt bad for whoever had to use the bathroom after me. But who knows. Maybe, we had increase sells for Fabreeze that night!
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