Sometimes you should just stick with fish sticks and avoid “fancy” seafood restaurants.

*this memory popped up on fb. Funny thing is this happened 3 years ago. And we were planning to go there tonight or tomorrow to do a late bday dinner for my husband. Think they’ll still remember me? Hopefully there’s not a picture of me at the hostess stand. So, they know not to seat me. Want to know why I’m Leary about showing my face at Red Lobster? Read that embarrassing story below.

Life Lessons #998 and #999.

#998-I have decided that all food should come in crab legs. Think about it. If we had to work that hard for everything we ate. We would all be skinny bitches.

#999-There has always been a reason that I never eat food that requires using tools in public places. I obviously forgot that reasoning and had what I would like to call a momentary lapse in judgement. I decided to veer from my safe eating shrimp platters and venture to the “big boys” menu. I mean I love imitation crab meat. But have always steered away from the real stuff. Due to a irrational fear of making an ass out of myself in public. I mean I could always picture the scenario playing out. I would finally attempt cracking open my food. And somehow I would loose control and my food would fly into some prim and proper lady’s lap. And then their would be the public outcry of letting someone like me in their fine establishment. Yes, I have an overactive imagination. So, due to this fear I’ve always played it safe. But why should I have to keep depriving myself of the real stuff. So, tonight I decided to live dangerously(and the location of our table helped with this decision. If any food did fly from my plate. I had an escape route in place. We were right by the kitchen. I could make a fast break through it if I had a bunch of ladies with pearl necklaces chasing me down for staining there Vera Wang dress). The first sign that this was a really bad idea should have been the fact that they give you a plate with tools. Okay, People! I’m the Poster child for trailer park Barbie. I’m not some kind of surgeon here. I don’t even know what the hell those things are called. They looked like plyers. But not quite.(this would be the #1 reason I’m forbidden from my husband’s tool box). So, I watch my hubby. And decide if he can do it. Anyone can. And it wasn’t so bad. I was cracking and pulling. And enjoying the tastes of fresh crab. That was until my husband told me there was also meat in the huge looking claw pieces. Well, hell. I almost let all that go to waste. So, as I was trying to claim the big prize. I end of putting a little too much muscle into it. And knocked over my Bahama Momma(that’s like some major alcohol abuse). And to add fuel to fire. I’m so embarrassed that I start choking on the food I have in my mouth. So, there I am trying to clean up my mess, choking on my food, and I see a hand reach over with a bunch of napkins. Asking me if I’m okay. Of course, I wouldn’t get lucky by this little mishap going unnoticed. Oh, no the manager came to save the day. So, now I’m still cleaning up my mess, choking, turning 50 shades of red, and trying to thank him. While my husband tells the guy, “I can’t take her anywhere”. So, I finally recover and tell him thanks and explain that I don’t get out much. He leaves then our server comes over to check on me. By this point I’m thinking why don’t they just make an announcement over the PA system. “Will everyone please direct their attention to the girl with the flower. As you will see she demonstrated why certain people should stick with the kids menu.” So, I’m thinking I might be banned from Red Lobster for a little bit. At least until my husband forgets this embarrassing encounter. All I got to say for future date nights…Hello McDonald’s drive thru.