A mom who has been there. And has the straight jacket to prove it!

My idea for today’s blog was inspired by a couple of people I follow on social media. They were both having one of those days. Where you are either feeling like the worse mom in the whole world. Or you are 5 seconds away from loosing your shit. And their posts really resonated something in me. I could relate to every word and feeling they expressed. Because I have been there. I’ve done that! And have the gray hair to prove it. So, this post is dedicated to all the mothers out there who feel like failures. Who feel like they can’t go on. I’m here to tell you. It will get better. You will survive!

When I think of what motherhood looks like. I always picture Goldie Hawn’s character from Overboard. The “comatose”look is the face that every mother has worn. It is the feeling that there is nothing left of you. You have officially been emotionally drained. And if it wasn’t for the “miracle” of alcohol. You would have already ordered your pink straight jacket from Amazon Prime(because you need that shit like yesterday)and booked your room at the “Looney bin”. Because at this point a padded room sounds like your ultimate dream vacation.

I mean it doesn’t matter how much unwarranted advice people give you. Or how many “parenting” books you read. None of that shit is going to save you. And if you are looking for them to save you. Then, you are already drowning. Because I’m here to tell you that you are going to fuck up. And not just like in one big event. No, you are going to screw up left and right. You will question how anyone let you become a parent. Because let’s face it. There are no requirements to let some human being slide out of your hoo ha like it’s at the damn water park. And the worse part is this child does not come with an owner’s manual. I mean my damn jeep comes with one! Yet, this tiny human comes with no instructions what so ever! I mean when you go from being the kind of person who could never remember to water house plants. Yet, you are now suppose to remember feed this little person. It’s kind of intimidating. There should have been some kind of manual that slipped out with the placenta. You know something along the lines of how to raise this little person, keep your sanity, and make sure they don’t end up in a orange jump suit one day book. And the chapters don’t even have to necessarily have to be in that order!I mean is that asking too much life?

Remembering to feed your kid or clothe them isn’t even going to be your biggest challenge. No, you will have to become a master negotiator. You will have to learn how to talk down a little child on the verge of a major melt down. While in public no less. You will have to learn how to get gum out of hair, crayon marks off walls, and how to scrape melted blocks from your oven. And you know what? If you are a new mother you are lucky in one sense. I didn’t have the internet when my kids were young. I couldn’t just google how to get your kid’s tongue unstuck from a flagpole(okay luckily that didn’t happen). I had to figure it all out on my own. But let me tell you. My first child was the one where I discovered all the remedies to fix a lot of these disasters. By the time the next 2 were born. I was like, “Bring it on”. Well, in theory I was that bad ass. Don’t be fooled. There were plenty of days when something new would come up. And I would be like, “These can’t be my kids! I obviously just work at Satan’s daycare”!

There will be plenty of days that you will feel like a failure. Left your 5 year old at school. Yup, can check that one off the list. Loose your kid in a store because you turned your back for one minute. And they somehow become a master illusionist and “disappeared” in a clothing rack. Ya, nothing more fun than walking in panic circles and yelling your child’s name. While everyone stares at you like you are a lunatic. And once you find them you don’t know if you want to hug them or beat their ass. My most epic fail was the time I stepped out of the house and got locked out. Did I mention I left my infant in his walker. He was in the kitchen with a baby gate to block any escapes. But when I looked through the window I saw he made a prison break. I couldn’t see where my child was. Just a knocked over baby gate with stairs looming in the background. Well, let’s just say the word “panic” had a whole new meaning that day.

There were times that I thought they were in on the whole “let’s take a nap” thing. Only to wake up to an empty bed and a house that looked like it got ransacked. And it’s always fun when your young kids decide to give themselves haircuts. You know everyone is judging you then. “So, you let your kids play with scissors? Wow, you have some stellar parenting skills there!” There will also be days where you just don’t have the strength to argue with your child. So, you will let them go to school looking like Bozo the clown. Or show up in a blizzard with no damn jacket! Those are the days the battles were lost. But needed to recover your wit.

And these are just the younger days. I could write a book on the teenage years. But I don’t want any new mother’s to “eat” their young. I promise you will survive those days too. But that’s a whole other blog. But I just wanted you to know that through all this. You will survive. I know because I have. That’s it’s okay to think you will never get the mother of the year award. And that is perfectly normal for you to question if your kids “college” fund should turn into their future “therapy” fund instead. Because if you didn’t have these fears then it would mean you didn’t care. And I know if you are fretting on your posts. Then you do care. And that means something. Because a mother’s love is the greatest gift you can give your kids. It doesn’t mean you have to be perfect and have all the answers all the time. But it means knowing you will make mistakes. That somedays you will be rocking your self back and forth in a corner wondering if you should forgo normal arts and crafts to teach them how to turn their toothbrush into a weapon. Because with all the phone calls you get from the school principal you just know your child is going to be in prison one day. And that toothbrush will be the only thing to save him! Mom goals right there people. Nothing says, “I love you” like teaching them to survive in the prison yard!

And on those days where you think the spawns of Satan are too much. Just remember it’s all worth it. Because nothing is better than hearing three simple words, “I love you” spilling from your child’s mouth. From the crappy breakfasts they will make you to the questionable artwork they will happily give you. These are the moments where you know that in your child’s eyes you are their world. And I tell you what. There’s no greater feeling. I might not have been the best mother. I didn’t bake cupcakes for the class or volunteer for field trips. Because most to the time I was working to provide for them. But I would like to think that at least my kids love me enough to never put me in a fucking nursing home. They might know not to do that too because I threaten to come back and haunt them. But I would like to think it will never happen because they love me and that I didn’t totally suck at being a mom!