“Let the bodies hit the floor!”

If you’ve read my previous posts your eyeballs probably bled from all the whining I’ve done about getting older. A few weeks ago it finally happened, I turned 44. Please put down the fire extinguishers. No cakes were harmed with that outrageous amount of candles. The only thing that did happen on that dreaded day was that I apparently have decided to fully commit to this midlife crisis. And not even in the half ass Kari way. No ladies and gentleman. I’m all in!

Case in point was last Friday night. My nephew’s band is on a tour this month. And they had a show in Denver. Honestly, one would have thought I was the one that was going to be performing. I went and got my hair cut and shaved. Pulled out the Doc Martins and put on the old necklace with spikes on it. That’s right people;44 has nothing on me, a 20 year old is hiding underneath all those aching joints and jiggly body parts. I even dyed the gray hair. Why, Hello Youth! It’s nice to see you again!

I was pretty badass till I got to the bar. There I realized a few things. First, could have went with the gray hair because it’s fucking dark in this place. Second, Doc Martins aren’t really meant for jumping around. Third, if all your inlaws are sitting down it might be because they are on too something. But at the time. I was ready to support my nephew and show my daughters how it was done! My youngest daughter thought she was going to be the Lone Ranger in the mosh pit. As if? Honey, I was moshing before you were even born(This would be where you read the small print that states the last time I was in a mosh pit was at a Sucidial Tendencies show back in the 90’s. Minor detail)!

So, there I was in my former glory. In my head I looked like a cool rocker chick. All everyone else saw was some chick having seizures, while jumping up and down(causing minor earthquakes), and waving her hands in the opposite direction of everyone else. But in my mind I was killing it! And when we started moshing ,I imagined it was just like that Suicidal Tendencies concert all those decades ago. But this time I kept my shoes on and didn’t almost get killed. Of course, back then I don’t remember having to keep pulling my jeans up in fear of exposing my muffin top underwear. Yes, people do you see where vanity will get you? Instead, of wearing a belt. Because the buckle showed through my shirt and made me look fatter( Never mind all the other fluff hanging out like a stuffed Turkey on Thanksgiving). The real irony of this is how I was being mentally judgmental of some of the younger kids. I mean they were wearing pants with elastic waists and fanny packs. I was like WTF? They are rocking the look I should be. The “Grandma” look. But guess who got the last laugh?Hint: it wasn’t me! So, I unofficially turned this into a geriatric pit. Give me another decade. And then, not will I only be holding my pants up(with my depends poking though), I’ll probably be crawling around on the floor looking for my dentures that got knocked out. It’s all about life goals kids!

Much to my surprise I made it. Never mind I couldn’t breathe. Had sweat pouring off me like I just ran the Boston marathon. But I didn’t care. I was Queen of the World again. Until, those damn whipper snappers decided to do another one! Mother fuckers! That wasn’t suppose to happen. But being the dumbass I am. I refused to let these damn 20 year olds show me up. That motto lasted 30 seconds before I realized that I couldn’t breathe! Like literally! I was 5 seconds away from falling on the ground shouting, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get back up!(of course, I couldn’t breathe. So, I probably would have had to sign that. Which I don’t know sign language. So, basically I was just going to die!) Attention: Life Alert I am available to be your new spokesperson. Call me!

It wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have gracefully exited the pit. Instead, of looking like the Apocalypse happened and I was now a damn Zombie. Which is probably how I looked since I was lumbering across the floor to get to my husband(he’s a nurse after all). My face was all red. My make up melted off, leaving me looking like Tammy Faye Baker on a hot Arizona day. I was gulping for air like a fish that just got tossed onto shore. I hope you are accurately picturing the hot mess I was. Or I can come up with some more details. We good? Good! Meanwhile, my husband is telling me to take slow deep breaths in and out. I don’t know if you have ever found yourself in a similar predicament. But when you can’t breathe. The last thing you want is to have someone telling you how to breathe! Like I will punch a mofo out! Okay, maybe not at the time. But once I could breathe again it was going to be on like Donkey Kong!Of course, my husband was just doing what I have done to countless patients in the past. Trying to keep them focused. But in reality, now I know why all those people stared daggers at me. So, I apologize to all you people! Meanwhile bystanders were probably like, “Oh, my god! That lady is in labor. And I just thought she was just fat!” My only saving grace was that I actually had my rescue inhaler with me. Otherwise, It would have probably have turned into a real memorable night!

Now, you’ve read it to the end and are probably wondering what the point to all this story was. Surprise! There was really none! I just realized I grew up thinking, “Damn! Old people sure bitch a lot!” And since I’m sucking at the whole mid-life crisis thing. I Decided to test this” being old”shit out! Am I nailing it or what? Also, it was only a reminder to myself that I’m not fucking 20 anymore. And unless, I loose weight, get in shape, and a new healthy pair of lungs. I’m probably going to have to either sit on the sidelines(which is depressing). Or steal a portable oxygen tank from work and a electric wheelchair from Wal-Mart. Which sounds much more appeasing. So, anyone want to drive the “getaway” van? Just trying to plan ahead! And to all my friends out there(meaning the ones who have crossed over into their 40’s ) who are still rocking it in the mosh pits. More power to you!!! Show those kids how it’s done!