
*I should be gibbing Ghostbusters credit for this photo. But in reality they should be giving me credit for having the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man resembling me!
The problem with gaining weight can be summed up in one word…Denial.First of all you keep getting on the scale. And even though the numbers keep changing you just blame it on the bathroom tile being uneven. Then, your clothes start to get snug. Well, that’s just because your husband dried your jeans. But of course you aren’t buying new ones because “you are going to go on a diet”. Of course, your body is saying, “Bitch please. You have been threatening to eat carrot sticks for over a year now. The day you can refrain from shoving a candy bar down your mouth. Will be the day you drop over dead”. And normally I live happily in denial. Until tonight. My husband and I are going to use the gift card the kids got me for Mother’s Day. That’s right Beatches we are going to Red Lobster!. But that’s where the dielemma begins. I have a pile of clothes on the floor to prove that. I have 2 pairs of my daily jeans. Now, those are jeans that I bought at the 160 pound mark. Well, now I’m pushing 180. So, it takes some deep breathing exercises and crisco to squeeze in those suckers. Okay, Crisco might be an exaggeration. But if it worked I would probably use it. Now, those are jeans I can get around in but not eat in. I mean I’ll be able to consume one of their biscuits. Then, I won’t be able to breathe. Our server will be calling 911. So, that leads me to what the hell am I going to wear. The thought of wearing a really nice blouse with jogging pants has crossed my mind. Maybe, we can get a table close to the door. So, no one will notice. I have a nice paisley shower curtain. Put a nice belt around it. And I will look like I just came out of Paris fashion week. Okay, that would probably only work If I was doing an ad campaign for bathroom decor. The best thought was borrowing one of the pairs of maternity jeans I am selling. I mean with those suckers I could actually do an appetizer too. But then I have to think of the assault charges I will face. When, the first person asks, “when I am due”. So, you see the dielemma is real. But I’m so hungry I’m going with the fuck it look. So, I apologize in advance if my button snaps off my jeans and hits some innocent patron. But this girl is going to go get her grub on and worry about breathing later. Also, they might want to hand out helmets tonight. I’m still not good with opening crab legs and lobster. I think a few ppl. might get hit. And for any of those people looking to start a business. I’m thinking a restraunt where jogging pants or pj bottoms is the dress code. And it’s a shame bitching and complaining didn’t burn calories. Becaue I would be one hell of a skinny bitch!
You can do this, girl! 🙌🏻😂 my fingers are crossed for the button to stay put.
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