So, how’s that diet going?

Number one question, “So, how’s that diet going?” Why are you asking? Are you an undercover cop? Because I did not vandalize no scales! You can’t prove a thing! Wait you don’t know what I”m talking about? Neither do I! I’m just saying if you find any scales that have crude remarks on them. I know nothing about it! Wait, are you a handwriting analyst expert? Omg! You are aren’t you? Okay, I confess! I did it! I fucking did it! I wrote all over that scale like a tagger on a empty wall. Please don’t arrest me! It will wipe off. I only used a dry erase marker. See, it comes off. Unlike my pounds!

Ya, so as you can see it’s going well. I think I should reach that 40 pound loss after I die. And that’s only because I’m shooting for cremation. Ya, I decided making loosing weight a New Year’s resolution is like setting your self up for failure. You are bound to fuck up. First, it starts out with a simple slice of cake at someone’s bday party. Then, it turns into a couple of nights of not wanting to cook. And before you know it. BOOM. You are laying on the couch covered in cookie crumbs and no recollection of how they got there. It’s like you got possessed by your former fat self and when on a sugar binger.

And let’s not get started on this past week. It’s like the pain from my tooth made me black out. You would thing having a tooth ache and then getting said tooth pulled would have worked in my favor. Like I would swear off eating.But nope I just became skilled at chewing on the other side of my mouth. After; I got my tooth pulled, I set new records on how fast I could polish off a 1/2 gallon of ice cream. And while in the process of setting new world records my husband had the balls to ask me, “I thought you were on a diet?” You want to see your wife transform into a psychopath in 3 seconds that’s the question to ask her. Not sure who gave him a badge and let him join the Diet Police. Besides, the dentist said I could eat ice cream. I’m sure he meant more in the ball park of a scoop. But I’ve always believe in doing more than what is expected.

This temporary setback has been a little discouraging. I had high hopes that my thighs might stop touching like conjoined twins. That I could graduate from muffin top underwear to sexy underwear. But the 4 pounds I lost have found their way back to me. I basically have to start over again. I guess my mind went dyslexic on me. I wanted to loose 40 pounds. But after I lost 04 pounds I got confused and thought I reached my goal.

The only thing comforting fact about being a shitty dieter is that my failures is keeping someone employed. How you might ask. Well, think about it.? If everyone stuck to their ridiculous New Year’s resolutions and lost all that weight they set out to. It would cause an economic crisis. Bigger Ass=More fabric needed. See, the clothing industry needs fuck ups like me to keep them in business.

And do you want to know the saddest part? Last year I went on a diet to win money. Ya, when your cut of the prize is $2,000 dollars bet your ass you will run on the treadmill and count calories like an accountant from hell. And you know what? I lost 30 pounds and our team won the grand prize. But 8 months later and” baby got back” again. And it’s funny when money is not a reward how much harder it is to stick to a diet. I know lower cholesterol, being healthy, and less chances of going into cardiac arrest from your cheeseburger addiction should be motivation enough. But obviously, Benjamin Franklin is a bigger motivator than the Grim Reaper. Who knew?

It’s too bad they couldn’t make a Diet Alexa. She can be the computer version of Jillian Micheals. Instead of giving you the weather report when you say hello she yells at you to drop and give her 10. You would keep her on your kitchen counter. So, every time the fridge or cupboard open a siren starts going off like you just tried to escape prison. And she tells your fat ass to back it up and step away from the fridge. Maybe, instead of the funny jokes she tells. You can program her to fat shame you. Like I might be crying after dealing with this version of Alexa. But I bet I would be more faithful to this whole diet thing. So, are you listening Amazon? Come out with the “Take no shit/ count your calories/drop and give me 10” ghetto Alexa. You could market her as a “life coach”.

So, how’s my diet going? It’s going. Like it will be equivalent to the longest running Broadway play. Instead, of the 2 pounds a week I wanted to loose. It will probably be more like 2 pounds a month. But I’m not giving up yet. Because my daddy did not raise no quitter! Just a fat girl who loves food. But that’s okay. Because I know it will eventually click. And I’ll be one of those obnoxious people doling out diet advice. But until that century happens. You are safe reading about my diet failures. I’m sure my next post will be about how stores are taunting me with the Cadbury eggs a few months before Easter. The bastards! It’s probably part of their marketing campaign. New Year=everybody on a diet=see their favorite chocolate and loose all sense of will power. And instead of just buying one they will go on an egg binge and buy a dozen. And after that they will feel remorse and failure. And decide they’ll just wait to next year to start their diet! See evil Marketing geniuses. How’s a girl suppose to succeed with them in the background? Stay tuned to “Diets of our lives”!